tryin' to leave behind the heartaches [entries|friends|calendar] a_nonna_mouse tryin' to leave behind the heartaches i keep pushin' on HOME INFO FRIENDS CALENDAR xtian_divorce credits: layout by: xo_testing_ox photography by: darkirish1 ...This is the day for new beginnings... [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

hola [Sunday July 15th, 2007 10:26pm] hey there everyone. hope this finds YOU all well. we have had a challenging, to say the least, last couple of weeks. putting this under a cut, as it is a little lengthy.... ( What a Week ) 7 see the brightside even in the darkness

blah [Sunday July 1st, 2007 2:43pm] [ mood | discontent ] hey there, people. well, life has certainly been a challenge lately. for those of you who didn't know, in a week my ex will be taking a job about 1 1/2 hours away. long story short, my youngest gets the short end of the stick as she is used to being w/him tues & thurs & every other weekend. we have yet to sit down & discuss how this is all going to work out for her & her visitations. he will actually end up being a little bit closer to our eldest daughter when she goes back to college. prayers please as we get this new situation all figured out. on friday evening, one of the girls' step-uncles took his life. he was 31. everyone is reeling from this news as you can imagine. even though i didn't know him very well, it is so hard to believe. i know that i have had lots of thoughts about doing the same thing as recently as in the past few weeks, but even with those thoughts, i could never & would never do that to my children & those few people that care about me. it's so hard to know where the mind goes when it believes that this is the only real solution to the problems & challenges that one faces. please pray for his soul & his family as they deal with this difficult time. i seriously HAVE to find a new job. i checked on Monster.com & discovered that i am being paid in the bottom 2% as what other people in my same position/experience are receiving. my eldest is trying to talk me into going back into the education system. i am thinking about it & have started to fill out an on-line app for our local school district, but i have my fears about returning. i had such a bad experience before i left that i just am really scared. plus it's been 10 years! so much has changed. i am also going to look at other secretarial-type positions as well. i just need to get out of my shell and DO it! my alimony is only going to be around for a little over a year, and i have been able to save NOTHING towards that time. help!! hope things are going better for all of you. i have to run, but will check up on my friends page later this evening (hopefully). love & blessings for you all. even in the darkness

[Friday May 4th, 2007 10:52pm] yep, seems i only come here whenever i need to vent or let go of my feelings. you folks only get the raw parts of me. sorry about that. maybe someday i'll be able to make a "the world is a wonderful place" entry. i hope so, anyways. but for now....rambles to the nth degree. life isn't terrible, but financially i am just drained - emotionally and pretty close to literally. it seems every month my savings dwindle a little bit more. we're not on the streets yet, but if something very major were to come down on us, we would be hanging on by the skin of our teeth. i have been looking for a position with the school system, but so far no luck. there are a couple of positions that i think that i would be great at, but am over qualifed for. i don't care, and i wish they wouldn't. i haven't taught for years. i don't want to be a classroom teacher anymore, but i am afraid that they see my master's degree and think "why the heck does she only apply for secretarial & parapro positions???" it's because that is where i feel that i want to be now, that's why. i no longer have an interest in being a lead teacher in a classroom. i hope that they will someday realize that & look at me for who i want to be now. eesh. i know that i have said this before, but when my kids are away, i just about become paralyzed. i have no energy & no desire to do the things that i need to get done (like cleaning, bills, etc). you'd think that it would be the opposite, eh? like "whoo! kids are gone! parrrrrtay! i can get so much done now!" but no. they are my world & without them around my ambition is gone. people tell me to get out, meet people, go to eharmony or some such. but i am realllly not interested in that sort of thing right now. i know, i have issues. trust issues mainly dealing with my own sense of self-worthlessness & issues of "if i could fall out of love with one man, what's to say that it won't happen again." i don't want to do that to myself or to anyone else ever again. the kids are doing well, thank God. they seem to be pretty well adjusted considering some of the things that have gone on in the past year(s), and despite me & my droopiness. i am so proud of them. they are my blessings. but i am afraid that i am setting a bad example, and i probably am. at least they have their super-mom step-mom. i'm trying to break out of my rut, and i hope that slowly i am making that happen. any prayers in that direction would be appreciated, cuz mine don't seem to be finding the motivation that i need. aaaand i miss my mom & dad like crazy sometimes. i wish i were about 6 years old again. AH! optimism, energy, innocence!! i could ramble and ramble, but if you've been angel enough to plow through all of this AGAIN, then you certainly deserve one more feather in your wings & a break from my boo-hoo-i-ness, so i will stop now. blessings. QUESTION: What is YOUR biggest blessing? 4 see the brightside even in the darkness

so not needed in life, truly [Tuesday January 16th, 2007 11:39pm] [ mood | crushed ] "Who can I turn to when nobody needs me? My heart wants to know and so I must go where destiny leads me With no star to guide me and no one beside me I'll go on my way and, after the day, the darkness will hide me And maybe tomorrow I'll find what I'm after I'll throw off my sorrow, beg, steal, or borrow my share of laughter...." dear God, honestly, why did you even bother??? so tired of being sad, depressed, replaceable, and un-needed. so tired of it. where is the person that i used to be? optimistic, peppy, the person other people could & would turn to. but not any more. not even by my own children. i'm dying inside and i don't know how to stop it. every time i try again, boom. shattered. disheartened. crushed. so tired. maybe tomorrow... maybe...

[Sunday December 24th, 2006 6:41pm] i just cannot handle the holidays anymore. not for the past 8 years. i hate it and i hate myself for who i become at this time of year. God, help me, please...... 5 see the brightside even in the darkness

[Friday November 17th, 2006 8:41pm] [ mood | lonely ] i have never felt so alone in my life wake me up inside...call my name and save me from the dark...bid my blood to run...before i come undone...save me from the nothing i've become 2 see the brightside even in the darkness

sorry entry...bah... [Saturday September 30th, 2006 9:01pm] and so, today is the 2 year universary. although i mourn the loss of what i thought would be a forever situation, whenever i see him now, i continue to realize that i have NO feelings for him as anything more than the father of our children, and for that i will be eternally greatful. but again, when i see him & am around him for any length of time i realize things about him that only confirm that i am glad that we are out of our marriage...and perhaps he feels the same way. i do have to chuckle, tho, when i see his new wife roll her eyes at some of the same things that i do/did. ha. tonight i sit here, alone. missing my girls. the oldest is away at college, and this is the first weekend that we have officially begun the "every other weekend with the other parent" deal. it sucks. i had so much planned to "do." instead, i made myself walk the dog - in the rain, which acutally felt good. took a long nap. made myself go to the grocery store. and now i sit here, "healthy choice" tv dinner and alcoholic beverage in hand. (you could count the number of alcoholic beverages i have per year on one hand.) my friends have become few & far away. i am a shell of what i used to be. of course, working one and a half jobs + still having a child at home doesn't leave much social time. i have not had a "real" date in over 20 years. have had no inclination to start that up again, although i have a friend who "has a friend" that she wants me to meet. no plans yet, and i honestly don't know what i would do if the situation actually came up. ahhhh, enough of boring you w/my sad state of affairs. sorry to those who wade through my sorry life from time to time. ONE of these days i will post happy thoughts.......i hope. blessings. 2 see the brightside even in the darkness

ugh [Sunday August 27th, 2006 8:12pm] i miss her sooooooooooooooo much! but i know that she is off on a wonderful new life. at least she will be home on friday. but then, again, she is going to probably be spread thin between her boy friend, home friends, dad, etc. so i don't know how much i will actually to see her. i got "robbed" of my sobbing mom goodbye at the dorm when we moved her in. we got back from picking up her textbooks & her roomies were just heading out to the tech dept to get their comps set up. "oh! i'll go with you!" quick hugs, quick i love yous & she was OFF! her sister & i just stood there for a moment frozen in time, i think. then, we said goodbye to her remaining roommate & headed for the car. kylie cried the whole way there & then cried herself to sleep. i think i was in too much "shock" to start getting emotional. i imagine my time will come, but so far i've held it together. i guess. it's all simmering below the surface, i think. i want my mommy. was gonna get into my friends page, but now find i gotta run. poo. hopefully SOMEtime this week... 1 see the brightside even in the darkness

so... [Monday August 14th, 2006 8:46pm] [ mood | sentimental ] i know that i've been a really bad lj friend. sorry, folks. hopefully soon life will quite down a bit & i'll have some time to spend w/my friends page. :( and so, my eldest will be leaving for college in five days...and already i'm on the verge of tears a handful of times a day. i can't even imagine what is in store for me on saturday. my baby. 3 see the brightside even in the darkness

[Tuesday July 18th, 2006 10:37pm] [ mood | anxious ] after a time, one comes to realize that there is nothing left but to go it alone in this world. hoping that i am going to get it right when the time comes. note to self: catch up on friend's journals as soon as possible. even in the darkness

wow [Saturday June 17th, 2006 7:16pm] [ mood | broken hearted ] so...... my youngest just popped this one on me out of the blue.... we were talking at a friend's house & i was mentioning that i was going to have to figure out what to do w/her when she got home from school next year since her sister will be away. she then tells me that, well, she was thinking that, although she would miss the dog, that she was thinking of staying more days at her dad's next year & just staying a couple of days w/me. (the reverse of the curent situation...i am the custodial parent now.) i was floored. hit me like a brick. first i've heard of it. she said that she has already talked to him & keeps bugging him about talking to me about it. so this has been discussed. more than once, obviously. i think that i'm going to die. i don't want to stop her from what she wants to do. but without her next year.....God, i don't even want to think about it. my fear of being even more alone than i already am...coming true 6 years before i even imagined it. i'm trying so hard not to show emotion around her right now, but i am about to lose it. i know that she doesn't realize what this means to me. oh, God. 4 see the brightside even in the darkness

help [Wednesday May 17th, 2006 5:02am] [ mood | distressed ] to anyone who reads this: i am desperately in need of your prayer support right now. i don't have the inclination to go into the details at this time, but i feel that i am on my way to depression again, financial matters that i thought were under control are suddenly in jeopardy, and i feel like i'm losing my grip & beginning to spiral back into that world that i hoped & prayed would never be a part of my life again. please, please pray for me. thank you so very much. 2 see the brightside even in the darkness

................. [Friday April 21st, 2006 8:53pm] [ mood | distressed ] oh, dear God. i think that my heart is going to break. i'm not sure what i'm going to do. God help me. 2 see the brightside even in the darkness

oops [Friday February 3rd, 2006 9:44pm] [ mood | full ] ohhhhhhhhhhhh my goodness!!!!! i just mindlessly ate a whole container of ben & jerry's!!!! at least it was lowfat...........lol the other day, i had to go into my ex's house w/one of my girls because she left something there. i got to come face to face w/the "new family picture." it was way, way too bizarre. even in the darkness

excerpts from: the perks of being a wallflower [Thursday January 26th, 2006 9:14pm] "My cheeks were red cold just like Mr. Z's drinking face and his black shoes and his voice saying when a caterpillar goes into a cocoon, it goes through torture and how it takes seven years to digest gum. And this one kid Mark at the party who gave me this came out of nowhere and looked at the sky and told me to see the stars. So, I looked up, and we were in this giant dome like a glass snowball, and Mark said that the amazing white stars were really only holes in the black glass of the dome, and when you went to heaven, the glass broke away, and there was nothing but a whole sheet of star white, which is brighter than anything but doesn't hurt your eyes. It was vast and open and thinly quiet, and I felt so small." "And because I don't want to start thinking again. Not like I have this week. I can't think again. Not ever again. I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning." even in the darkness

stolen from miss_becki [Thursday January 26th, 2006 8:57pm] Stolen from everywhere... Four jobs I’ve had: 1. office manager 2. medical transcriptionist 3. special needs teacher 4. hallmark clerk Four movies I would watch over and over: 1. ghost 2. et 3. titanic 4. holes Four places I’ve lived: 1. if 2. you 3. could see the palm of my hand 4. i'd show you Four websites I visit daily: 1. livejournal.com 2. yahoo.com 3. guideposts.com 4. google.com Four of my favorite fattening foods: 1. cheesecake w/cherries on top 2. ben & jerry's - any kind! 3. little caesar's hot & ready + crazy bread + sauce 4. dove bars (dark chocolate) Four places I would rather be right now: 1. atlantis hotel, bahamas 2. anywhere with my girls 3. greece 4. cozied up in bed with a book even in the darkness

[Thursday January 19th, 2006 9:54pm] i'm so bummed...i was supposed to go out w/the girls from work tomorrow night, but now two of them can't make it so the whole things off. it's been so long since i've gone out w/adults & i was really looking forward to it. oh well, i guess. maybe next month we'll try again. i hate thursdays. one goes to her dad's & the other one spends time w/her bf before coming back home ater in the evening....and i always vow that i am going to DO something while they are gone, but i never do. i just sit around, eat fast food & watch t.v. i make myself mad. but it happens every time. i really need to stop this pattern. OR maybe i need the "down time." i don't know. at least there was sunshine today! 1 see the brightside even in the darkness

[Friday November 25th, 2005 9:34pm] [ mood | disappointed in myself ] seriously, sometimes i think that i should just let the girls go live with them. she is the perfect mom - i swear. she makes me feel so inferior...not because she tries to, but just because i am. i really need to readjust my life. i know that they love me, but she is everything that i should be. i have good intensions, but i don't follow through like i should. i am really pathetic sometimes... 2 see the brightside even in the darkness

[Sunday November 20th, 2005 9:34pm] [ mood | distressed ] ah...i've got so much work to do, but i just cannot concentrate. maybe this will help? i am not looking forward to this week. at all. i was kinda looking forward to going to my bro's for thanksgiving, it was just going to be his g/f, my bro, and myself (while the girls will be at their dad's & his fiancee's), but now my bro's former in-laws (his wife passed away several years ago) will also be there, aaaaaaaaaaand they are nice people, but i really don't think i want to deal w/being all that social. oh, and of course i am MORE than welcome to join the other festivities...um, thanks, but no thanks, folks. i'm definiately not up for that one. hm. i didn't get to have my "alone time" during thanksgiving the year my parent's passed away. maybe i will take the time this year. i guess i'll have to see how i feel when it comes right down to it. but i think i feel a migraine coming on... even in the darkness

ahhhhhhh... [Thursday November 17th, 2005 10:18pm] dear God, i hate these nights. Kylie at her dad's, Kirsten out w/her friends. she is going to be gone off to college way too soon. i know that i need to get used to her being gone, but it rips my heart out. i know that i need to get "my own life" but i just am not ready to reach out right now. if only my friends didn't live so far away. being a grown up really does suck sometimes. ah, so much more to let out.....but kirsten is on her way home now. they are my life, Lord. You have blessed me with them. Thank You. even in the darkness

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